When Your Child Is The Bully

Behind every act of aggression there is a story to be told. The challenge is not just to protect the victim, but to transform the situation that allows this to happen.

Back-to-school time is usually filled with expectations: new challenges, friendships, learning. But for some families, it is an even more complex return. Not because their child has been a victim, but because the one who causes harm lives inside the home. This article dares to look at the other side of the coin: understanding the pain and hidden confusion in those who aggress, examining their roots, and recognizing that without compassion there is no possibility of healing.

Behind every act of aggression lies a story to be understood. The challenge is not just to protect the victim, but to transform the situation that allows it to happen.

Why This Approach Is Urgent

According to UNICEF data, roughly one-third of young people aged 13 to 15 have been victims of school bullying in the past month.

The numbers reveal the scale of the problem: 1,453 school shootings in the United States (1997-2022) and recent tragedies such as Austria in 2025, where a 21-year-old former bullying victim took 10 lives before taking his own.

UNESCO reports that more than 30% of students worldwide have suffered bullying, which affects their mental health, their performance, and even exposes them to suicidal ideation.

But while the victim's suffering is discussed frequently, what happens with the aggressor is almost entirely omitted. This silence is also dangerous.

This global context shows that pointing out the behavior is not enough: we need to understand its root. And for that, we must observe the immediate environment of the child aggressor.

The Other Side

The aggressor is often a child who acts with violence because they learned that language at home. UNICEF estimates that 2 out of 3 children, around 1.6 billion worldwide, are subject to violent discipline by their caregivers.

1.6 billion children worldwide are subject to violent discipline by their caregivers. UNICEF

According to UNICEF, approximately 6 out of 10 one-year-old children in 30 countries are subject to regular violent discipline, and about 75% of children aged 2 to 4 experience psychological aggression or physical punishment. This pattern teaches that conflicts are resolved through pain.

If we do not reflect on what the aggressor lives through, if we do not listen to their story, the narrative closes and the problem remains hidden. As a result, we cannot dismantle the relational environment that perpetuates it, and this omission weakens any attempt at real, lasting prevention.

Moreover, ignoring what these children go through has social consequences far more serious than we usually imagine. In the United States, between 1997 and 2022, 1,453 school shootings were recorded. In most cases, the aggressors were young people who had been victims of school bullying, lived in unstable family environments, and had access to weapons at home.

This combination, when not addressed in time, turns into an emotional time bomb.

This reality is not confined to the United States. In Brazil, Mexico, and Argentina, similar tragedies have also been documented, with adolescents who acted with extreme violence after prolonged experiences of exclusion or abuse. Violence carries no passport: where there is silence, it can grow.

The Child Aggressor's Environment: When Violence Is Learned Without Words

From here we move to an even more delicate dimension: how do you talk to a child who has caused harm? And what do you do when the adult in charge is not emotionally available to have that conversation?

Children are not born knowing how to hurt. Aggression rarely appears spontaneously: it is a reflection of something deeper that has been lived, witnessed, or internalized. Sometimes it is a cry of pain that has not yet learned to speak.

The question is not "what is wrong with this child?" but "what happened to them?"

Home, school, and community form a triangle that shapes the child's emotional language. When one of those vertices breaks, or reproduces dynamics of control, shame, or silence, the child learns that dominating the other is safer than showing vulnerability.

Examples of environments that perpetuate aggression:

• Families where yelling, insults, or physical punishment are normalized.

• Schools that correct with humiliation or ignore early signs of exclusion.

• Communities that reward strength over empathy or justify violence as defense.

UNICEF notes that exposure to family violence and punitive parenting models increases the likelihood that a child will adopt patterns of intimidation.

But even identifying these toxic environments is not enough if we do not recognize that many caregivers are also emotionally wounded. There are fathers, mothers, and grandparents who replicate patterns because they never learned another way to connect. For them, yelling or punishing is not violence but "education." This does not excuse it, but it does explain why many children do not find at home the emotional support they need to learn to coexist without aggressing.

It is also important to recognize that not all children who aggress follow the same visible pattern. Some replicate the violence they have experienced because of their identity: racialized children, neurodivergent children, children from LGBTQ+ communities, or migrants, who have been dehumanized in their environment and learn to aggress before being aggressed upon.

When aggression is the only form of self-protection they have learned, the challenge is not to punish them harder, but to listen to what that behavior is trying to say in a language no one taught them to translate.

When the responsible adult does not see the harm, does not name it or repair it, the child becomes trapped between what they feel and what they learn to silence. And so, many times, they can only "speak" with the body: with the push, the hit, the mockery.

But pointing out failures is not enough. Transformation begins when we change the question. Instead of punishing the child who pushed, we ask: "Who taught them that pushing is a way to be seen?"

Difficult Conversations: Talking When Your Child Has Caused Harm

The conversation is only the first step. True prevention needs broader social structures to support and sustain change. That is where everyday diplomacy comes into play.

No parent imagines having to receive that call: "Your child hit another student," "They threw a chair at a classmate." But not all acts of aggression leave visible marks.

Not all cases of aggression are physical. Many children hurt with silence, mockery, rumors, or the deliberate isolation of a peer. Psychological bullying leaves no bruises, but it can destroy the self-esteem of the one who suffers it.

The most frequent forms of emotional aggression include:

• Systematic exclusion during recess or within the classroom.

• Hurtful nicknames, constant jokes, or mocking gestures.

• Spreading rumors or malicious messages, including through school or social media networks.

In many tragic cases, this form of harassment is responsible for suicides among students, because of its cumulative effect on mental health.

A Snapshot in Numbers:

• In the U.S., approximately 19% of students aged 12 to 18 reported being bullied during the 2021-2022 school year.

• Relational bullying (exclusion, defamation) affects academic performance as much as, or more than, physical harassment.

• Peer aggression begins as early as age 8, not only in adolescence.

• Students who suffer bullying face between 2 and 9 times higher risk of suicidal ideation (international studies).

How to Start This Conversation

• Create a safe, non-reactive space. Do not interrogate; begin with presence, not judgment. You might say: "I want to understand what happened from your side. I'm here to listen to you."

• Validate the emotion, not the behavior. Many children aggress because they feel jealousy, frustration, fear, or a desire to belong. You might say: "I understand you felt that way. That doesn't justify causing harm, but we can talk about it."

• Foster repair, not humiliation. Apologizing is not a punishment: it is a repair tool when offered with awareness. You might say: "How do you think the other person felt? What could you do to show you care about improving?"

• Avoid labels that stick. Saying "you're a bully" freezes identity; saying "that behavior wasn't right" opens the possibility for change. You might say: "That action wasn't right. But you can act differently next time, and I will be there with you."

According to a UNESCO study, early intervention focused on social-emotional skills can reduce aggressive behaviors by more than 30% in school settings.

The key message for the child should not be "you behaved badly," but "you can learn another way to express what you feel." Because punishing without accompanying only buries the problem deeper.

What if the Adult Doesn't See the Problem?

Not all families have emotionally available adults. There are mothers, fathers, and caregivers who, because of their own traumas, deny, justify, or minimize their children's aggression. Sometimes they do not do it out of malice, but because in their personal history no one taught them to see harm or to name it.

Some deny: "My child would never do that." Others justify: "They did it because they were provoked." And others normalize: "That's how kids are; they have to learn to defend themselves." This leaves the child without guidance and, most worryingly, reinforces the idea that aggression is valid as long as it is kept quiet at home.

In such cases, it is the school, the community, or even a third party (a counselor, a close relative, a professional) who can become the figure that opens dialogue. Educating is the task of the entire network surrounding a child, not the home's alone. When adults lack the tools to accompany, silence is inherited. But when a single loving, clear voice breaks that pattern, it can open the path toward another way of relating.

Building Relationships: Healing Beyond the Child

Just as educational programs can inspire structures, so can human dialogue. We now arrive at the ethical heart of the matter: the possibility of reconciliation between those who have hurt and those who have been hurt.

Child aggression is not an isolated problem. It is a call for attention to the relationships we sustain, and sometimes neglect, as a society. For this reason, the solution does not rest solely on the child or their parents: it is a shared responsibility.

How Is Prevention Built from the Everyday?

• The school as a space for repair, not just discipline. A classroom that includes dialogue circles, group agreements, or peer mediation teaches that conflict can be resolved without violence. Restorative examples include reflection letters or peace meetings between students.

• The neighborhood as an emotional support network. You do not need to be a psychologist to model respect. An adult who intervenes carefully during a verbal aggression teaches that dialogue is indeed possible.

• The pediatrician, church, or club as allies in social-emotional development. A pediatrician who asks "how do you feel at school?" promotes emotional health and opens spaces for support.

  
  

These everyday actions are not isolated ideas: many have been systematized in educational and community programs internationally. Over decades, different organizations, researchers, and school networks have created models that translate empathy into structure, respect into strategy, and listening into educational policy. Here are some that can inspire adaptations in any community, regardless of size or resources.

Models That Inspire

• KiVa (Finland; being implemented in Mexico): combines prevention, intervention, and follow-up with lessons on empathy, active bystander participation, and systematic protocols.

• Roots of Empathy (Canada): introduces babies into the classroom to cultivate emotional skills from early childhood.

• The Olweus Program (Norway and other countries): has demonstrated a 20 to 45% reduction in bullying through comprehensive action across school, family, and community.

Programs in Latin America:

• ABC Bullying (Mexico): a program based on character strengths that empowers students as agents of change. It has reached more than 1,500 students in 9 Mexican schools.

• TEI Program, Peer Tutoring (Spain and Latin America): implemented in Chile, Colombia, Ecuador, Mexico, and Uruguay. It reduces physical aggression by 52% and verbal bullying by 28% through emotional tutoring between students.

Community and Digital Initiatives:

• Pink Shirt Day (Canada and the U.S.): a symbolic action that promotes awareness and solidarity among peers.

• Bystander Revolution: trains bullying witnesses to act with practical tools and peer support.

These experiences remind us that preventing bullying does not depend only on punishing the aggressor, but on cultivating environments where empathy is trained and practiced every day.

Walking Toward Reconciliation: Between the Child Aggressor, the Victim, and Their Families

With everything said, all that remains is to open the closing. Not to conclude, but to invite the daily practice of a more human education. Sometimes conflict does not end when aggression ceases. Emotions, memories, and silences remain. That is why, when possible, reconciliation becomes a powerful tool for emotional and relational repair.

But reconciling is not forgetting, much less minimizing harm. It is creating a space where both parties can express what they experienced and find concrete ways to close that cycle with dignity.

How Can This Be Achieved?

Many school and community systems turn to models of restorative justice, a methodology that facilitates respectful encounters between the victim, the aggressor, and, when appropriate, their caregivers. These processes are voluntary, safe, and mediated by trained adults.

Common stages:

• The victim can tell their experience without being interrupted.

• The child aggressor listens, reflects, and recognizes the impact of their behavior.

• Together they explore forms of repair: not punishments, but meaningful acts.

Real examples of repair:

• A letter written with adult guidance.

• Accompanying a school project as a sign of change.

• Doing something for the community together: a mural, a cultural activity, care of the school environment.

• Apologizing privately or symbolically, if the victim so desires.

Repair is not imposed. It is built with listening, care, and different emotional timings.

What About Between Families?

Families can also be wounded: some by fear and pain; others by shame, denial, or confusion. In those cases, reconciliation between caregivers is as important as it is between children. And it can happen through:

• Conversations mediated by counselors or professionals.

• Group meetings where both parties are humanized.

• Spaces where they talk not only about the incident, but about the environment that made it possible.

A caregiver who listens to another's pain, without becoming defensive, can become an ally of change. An adult who publicly acknowledges that they did not see it in time teaches the child that repairing is also part of maturing.

What if One of the Caregivers Doesn't Want to Talk?

Sometimes one of the caregivers refuses to talk about the problem. They may reject the meeting, minimize the incident, or even become hostile toward any attempt at mediation. In those cases:

• Reconciliation is not forced.

• The victim is protected and the intervention attempt is recorded.

• Work continues with whoever is available, even if it is only a teacher, a relative, or the other caregiver.

An adult's silence does not invalidate the need to talk about harm. Even if not all adults are ready for dialogue, that should not stop the repair process or the accompaniment of the victim.

A View from Childhood

There are gestures that are not forgotten. A repeated taunt, a look that excludes, a cruel word said in front of everyone. And also a reparative gesture, a sincere apology, a conversation that heals.

Many children who aggress do not know they are repeating what they learned in silence. Many children who suffer do not know how to ask for help without feeling even more alone. Both need to be seen. Both deserve to be accompanied.

Educating is not only correcting. It is allowing each child to discover another way to inhabit the world, with the same principles of dialogue and understanding that work in any peace-building process.

That is why this article does not seek to assign blame. It seeks to create a space where harm can be spoken of without fear, pain without punishment, and conflict without shame.

Because if we want to prevent violence, we must begin by transforming the language with which we look at ourselves. And that is learned, like everything valuable, in the everyday: in the way we ask, in the way we listen, in the way we correct without destroying.

What difficult conversation are you willing to have? What gesture can you plant, in your home or community, toward a culture where harm is named and dignity is restored?

© 2025 Cultura Diplomática. All rights reserved.

Share your reflections by sending this article via email or on your social media. Let's continue this conversation on LinkedIn @CulturaDiplomatica