When Your Child Is The Bully

Behind every act of aggression there is a story to be told. The challenge is not just to protect the victim, but to transform the situation that allows this to happen.

Back-to-school time is usually filled with expectations: new challenges, friendships, learning... but for some families, it's an even more complex return. Not because their child has been a victim, but because the one who aggresses is their child. This article dares to look at the other side of the coin: understanding the pain and hidden confusion in those who aggress, delving into their roots, and recognizing that without compassion, there's no possibility of healing.

"Behind every act of aggression lies a story to be understood. The challenge is not just protecting the victim, but transforming the situation that allows this to happen."

Throughout this article, we'll explore not only what happens when a child aggresses, but also how to respond as a community, as a school, and as caregivers. We begin by understanding why this approach is urgent and necessary.

Why This Approach is Urgent?

According to UNICEF data, around one-third of young people aged 13 to 15 have been victims of school bullying in the past month.

The numbers reveal the magnitude of the problem: 1,453 school shootings in the United States (1997-2022) and recent tragedies like Austria 2025, where a 21-year-old former bullying victim took 10 lives before taking his own. UNESCO reports that more than 30% of students worldwide have suffered bullying, affecting their mental health, performance, and even exposing them to suicidal ideation.

But while the victim's suffering is frequently discussed, what happens with the aggressor is almost completely omitted. This silence is also dangerous.

This global context shows that pointing out the behavior isn't enough: we need to understand its root. And for that, we must observe the immediate environment of the child aggressor.

What's the Other Side?

The aggressor is often a child who acts with violence because they learned that language at home. UNICEF estimates that 2 out of 3 children, around 1.6 billion worldwide, are subject to violent discipline by their caregivers.

"1.6 billion children worldwide are subject to violent discipline by their caregivers" — UNICEF

According to UNICEF, approximately 6 out of 10 one-year-old children in 30 countries are subject to regular violent discipline, and about 75% of children aged 2 to 4 experience psychological aggression or physical punishment. This pattern teaches that conflicts are resolved with pain.

If we don't reflect on what the aggressor lives through, if we don't listen to their story, the narrative closes and the problem remains hidden. Consequently, we cannot dismantle the relational environment that perpetuates it, and this omission weakens any attempt at real and lasting prevention.

Furthermore, ignoring what these children go through has social consequences much more serious than we usually imagine. In the United States, between 1997 and 2022, 1,453 school shootings were recorded. In most cases, the aggressors were young people who had been victims of school bullying, lived in unstable family environments, and had access to weapons at home.

This combination, when not addressed in time, transforms into an emotional time bomb.

This reality is not limited to the United States. In Brazil, Mexico, and Argentina, similar tragedies have also been documented, with adolescents who acted with extreme violence after prolonged experiences of exclusion or abuse. Violence has no passport: where there is silence, it can grow.

The Child Aggressor's Environment: When Violence is Learned Without Words

From here, we move to an even more delicate dimension: how do you talk to a child who has caused harm?, and what do you do when the adult in charge is not emotionally available to have that conversation?

Children are not born knowing how to hurt. Aggression rarely appears spontaneously: it's a reflection of something deeper that has been lived, witnessed, or internalized. Sometimes it's a cry of pain that hasn't yet learned to speak.

"The question is not 'what's wrong with this child?' but 'what happened to them?'"

Home, school, and community form a triangle that shapes the child's emotional language. When one of those vertices breaks—or reproduces dynamics of control, shame, or silence—the child learns that dominating the other is safer than showing vulnerability.

Examples of environments that perpetuate aggression:

• Families where yelling, insults, or physical punishment are normalized

• Schools that correct with humiliation or ignore early signs of exclusion

• Communities that reward strength over empathy or justify violence as defense

UNICEF points out that exposure to family violence and punitive parenting models increases the likelihood that a child will adopt intimidation patterns.

But even identifying these toxic environments isn't enough if we don't recognize that many caregivers are also emotionally wounded. There are fathers, mothers, or grandparents who replicate patterns because they never learned another way to connect. For them, yelling or punishing isn't violence, but "education." This doesn't excuse, but it does explain why many children don't find within the home the emotional support they need to learn to coexist without aggressing.

It's also important to recognize that not all children who aggress respond to the same visible pattern. There are those who replicate the violence they've experienced because of their identity: racialized children, neurodivergent children, from LGBTQ+ communities, or migrants, who have been dehumanized in their environment and learn to aggress before being aggressed upon.

When aggression is the only form of self-protection they've learned, the challenge is not to punish them harder, but to listen to what that behavior is trying to say in a language no one taught them to translate.

When the responsible adult doesn't see the harm, doesn't name it, or repair it, the child becomes trapped between what they feel and what they learn to silence. And so, many times, they can only "speak" with their body, with the push, with the hit, with the mockery.

But pointing out failures isn't enough. Transformation begins when we change the question.

Instead of punishing the child who pushed, we ask: "Who taught them that pushing is a way to be seen?"

Difficult, Necessary Conversations: Talking When Your Child Has Caused Harm

The conversation is only the first step. True prevention needs broader social structures that support and sustain change. That's where everyday diplomacy comes into play.

No parent imagines having to receive that call: "your child hit another student," "they threw a chair at a classmate." But not all acts of aggression leave visible marks.

Not all cases of aggression are physical. Many children hurt with silence, mockery, rumors, conscious isolation toward a peer. Psychological bullying doesn't leave bruises, but it can destroy the self-esteem of those who suffer it.

The most frequent forms of emotional aggression include:

• Systematic exclusion during recess or within the classroom

• Hurtful nicknames, constant jokes, or mocking gestures

• Spreading rumors or malicious messages, even through school or social media networks

In many tragic cases, this form of harassment is responsible for suicides among students, due to its cumulative effect on mental health.

Relevant data:

• In the U.S., approximately 19% of students aged 12-18 reported being bullied during the 2021-22 school year

• Relational bullying (exclusion, defamation) affects academic performance as much or more than physical harassment

• Peer aggression begins from age 8, not just in adolescence

"Between 2 and 9 times higher risk of suicidal ideation for students who suffer bullying" — International studies

Global overview: 33% of adolescents suffer monthly harassment, 30% of students face bullying (UNESCO), while 1.6 billion children live with violent discipline at home.

How to Start This Conversation?

"I want to understand what happened from your side. I'm here to listen to you."

Create a safe, non-reactive space. Don't interrogate. Begin with presence, not judgment. Useful phrase: "I want to understand what happened from your side. I'm here to listen to you."

Validate the emotion, not the behavior. Many children aggress because they feel jealousy, frustration, fear, or desire to belong. Useful phrase: "I understand you felt that way. That doesn't justify causing harm, but we can talk about it."

Foster repair, not humiliation. Apologizing is not a punishment. It's a repair tool if offered with awareness. Useful phrase: "How do you think the other person felt? What could you do to show you care about improving?"

Avoid labels that stick. Saying "you're a bully" freezes identity. Saying "that behavior wasn't right" opens possibility for change. Useful phrase: "That action wasn't right. But you can act differently next time, and I'm going to accompany you."

According to a UNESCO study, early intervention focused on social-emotional skills can reduce aggressive behaviors by more than 30% in school environments.

The key message for the child shouldn't be "you behaved badly," but "you can learn another way to express what you feel." Because punishing without accompanying only buries the problem deeper.

What if the Adult Doesn't See the Problem?

Not all families have emotionally available adults. There are mothers, fathers, or caregivers who, due to their own traumas, deny, justify, or minimize their children's aggression. Sometimes they don't do it out of malice, but because in their personal history, no one taught them to see or name harm.

• They deny: "My child would never do that."

• They justify: "They did it because they were provoked."

• They normalize: "That's how kids are. They have to learn to defend themselves."

This leaves the child without guidance and, most worryingly, reinforces the idea that aggressing is valid if it's silenced from home.

In those cases, it's the school, community, or even a third party (a counselor, close relative, professional) who can become the figure that opens dialogue. Education is not just the home's task, but of the entire network surrounding a child. When adults don't have the tools to accompany, silence is inherited. But when a single loving and clear voice breaks that pattern, it can open the path toward another way of relating.

Everyday Diplomacy and Building Relationships: Healing Beyond the Child

Just as educational programs can inspire structures, so can human dialogue. We now arrive at the ethical heart of the matter: the possibility of reconciliation between those who have hurt and those who have been hurt.

Child aggression is not an isolated problem; it's a call for attention to the relationships we sustain—and sometimes neglect—as a society. Therefore, the solution doesn't rest solely on the child or their parents. It's a shared responsibility.

At Cultura Diplomática, we understand that everyday diplomacy transcends governments.

It's practiced when a parent accompanies with firmness without yelling, when a teacher observes with empathy before punishing, or when a neighbor decides not to replicate gossip but build a bridge instead.

How is Prevention Built from the Everyday?

The school as a space for repair, not just discipline A classroom that includes dialogue circles, group agreements, or school mediation teaches that conflict can be resolved without violence. Restorative examples: reflection letters or peace meetings between students.

The neighborhood as an emotional support network. You don't need to be a psychologist to model respect. An adult who intervenes carefully during verbal aggression teaches that dialogue is indeed possible.

The pediatrician, church, or club as allies in social-emotional development. A pediatrician who asks "how do you feel at school?" promotes emotional health and opens spaces for containment.

These everyday actions are not isolated ideas: many have been systematized in educational and community programs internationally. Over decades, different organizations, researchers, and school networks have created models that translate empathy into structure, respect into strategy, and listening into educational policy. Here are some that can inspire adaptations in any community, regardless of size or resources.

Models That Inspire

KiVa (Finland and being implemented in Mexico): Combines prevention, intervention, and follow-up with teachings about empathy, active bystander participation, and systematic protocols.

Roots of Empathy (Canada): Introduces babies to the classroom to cultivate emotional skills from childhood.

Olweus Program (Norway and others): Has demonstrated a 20-45% reduction in bullying through comprehensive actions in school, family, and community.

Programs in Latin America:

ABC Bullying (Mexico): Mexican program based on character strengths that empowers students as agents of change. Has impacted more than 1,500 students in 9 Mexican schools.

TEI Program - Peer Tutoring (Spain/Latin America): Implemented in Chile, Colombia, Ecuador, Mexico, and Uruguay. Reduces physical aggression by 52% and verbal bullying by 28% through emotional tutoring between students.

Community and Digital Initiatives

Pink Shirt Day (Canada and U.S.): Symbolic action that promotes awareness and solidarity among peers.

Bystander Revolution: Trains bullying witnesses to act with practical tools and peer support.

These experiences remind us that preventing bullying doesn't depend only on punishing the aggressor, but on cultivating environments where empathy is trained and practiced daily.

Everyday diplomacy is that: the practice of humanity on an intimate scale. And, like all practice, it can be learned.

Walking Toward Reconciliation: Between the Child Aggressor, Victim, and Their Families

With everything said, there's only opening the closure left. Not to conclude, but to invite the daily practice of a more human education.

Sometimes conflict doesn't end when aggression ceases. Emotions, memories, silences remain. That's why, when possible, reconciliation becomes a powerful tool for emotional and relational repair.

But reconciling is not forgetting, much less minimizing harm. It's creating a space where both parties can express what they lived through and find concrete ways to close that cycle with dignity.

How Can This Be Achieved?

Many school and community systems resort to restorative justice models, a methodology that facilitates respectful encounters between victim, aggressor, and, if appropriate, their caregivers. These processes are voluntary, safe, and mediated by trained adults.

Common stages:

• The victim can tell their experience without being interrupted

• The child aggressor listens, reflects, and recognizes the impact of their behavior

• Together they explore forms of repair (not punishments, but meaningful acts)

Real examples of repair:

• A letter written with adult guidance

• Accompanying a school project as a show of change

• Doing something for the community together (mural, cultural activity, school environment care)

• Apologizing privately or symbolically, if the victim so desires

Repair is not imposed. It's built with listening, care, and different emotional timings.

What About Between Families?

Families can also be wounded: some by fear and pain; others by shame, denial, or confusion. In those cases, reconciliation between caregivers is as important as between children. And it can happen through:

• Conversations mediated by counselors or professionals

• Group meetings where both parties are humanized

• Spaces where they talk not just about the fact, but about the environment that made it possible

A caregiver who listens to another's pain, without getting defensive, can become an ally of change. An adult who publicly recognizes they didn't see it in time teaches the child that repairing is also maturing.

What if One of the Caregivers Doesn't Want to Dialogue?

Sometimes, one of the caregivers refuses to talk about the problem. They may reject the meeting, minimize the fact, or even become hostile toward any mediation attempt. In those cases:

• Reconciliation is not forced

• The victim is protected and the intervention attempt is recorded

• Work continues with whoever is available, even if it's just a teacher, family member, or the other caregiver

An adult's silence doesn't invalidate the need to talk about harm. Even if not all adults are ready for dialogue, that shouldn't stop the repair process or accompanying the victim.

A View from Childhood

There are gestures that are not forgotten. A repeated mockery, a look that excludes, a cruel word said in front of everyone... and also, a reparative gesture, a sincere apology, a conversation that heals.

Many children who aggress don't know they're repeating what they learned in silence. Many children who suffer don't know how to ask for help without feeling even more alone. Both need to be seen. Both deserve to be accompanied.

Educating is not just correcting. It's allowing each child to discover another way to inhabit the world, applying the same principles of dialogue and understanding that work in any peace-building process.

Therefore, this article doesn't seek culprits. It seeks to create a space where harm can be talked about without fear, pain without punishment, conflict without shame.

Because if we want to prevent violence, we must start by transforming the language with which we look at ourselves. And that is learned—like everything valuable—in the everyday: in the way of asking, in the way of listening, in the way of correcting without destroying.

Diplomacy is also practiced at home. And every conversation that is sustained, every silence that is broken is a small declaration of peace.

What difficult conversation are you willing to have? What gesture can sow, in your home or community, a culture where harm is named and dignity is restored?

© 2025 Cultura Diplomática. All rights reserved.

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